The struggles getting here

I thought I would post this blog from my former yahoo 360 page. It still brings tears to my eyes.



A blog from January 12, 2006



Well, where do I begin. This has been by far one of the craziest years of the 39 I've been living. I've lost the only grandparents I had left and I moved my family to Tennessee leaving everything I've known my entire life. We came to Tennessee to pastor a church and left one in Texas. The church here is very loving as is the one in Texas, which we miss very much. I left Texas once before when I joined the U.S. Army where I served for 1 1/2 years at Fort Knox, Kentucky where I met my beautiful wife Jennifer of 16 years, and then another 1 1/2 years in the Republic of Korea at Camp Kasey, 2nd Infantry Division.


What made this move so difficult is that it turned our whole world upside down. We left a church we loved deeply to pastor people we didn't know from Adam. I lost my grandfather at the age of 85 one month prior to our moving to Tennessee. He had lived with my family on Hospice care for two months in my youngest daughter's room. During that time my female yellow Lab (Lady) was pregnant with her first litter of 12 puppies. Papaw wanted a puppy and I promised him one when they were weened.

As the story goes, Papaw got worse each day and finally got to the point where my wife and I could no longer give him the care he needed to make his final days as confortable as possible. Add to that the fact that Rachael (our youngest) told her mama that she didn't want Papaw to die in her room. Needless to say I was going to protect the heart of my daughter and I made the very difficult decision, with my mother's consent, to place Papaw in a very nice nursing home that was right around the corner from our home.

During the time that Papaw was living with us and in the nursing home, my grandmother was in the Methodist Hospital of Houston, Texas recovering from open heart surgery at the age of 82. Add to that my impending departure from Texas and you have a very stressed out family because my parents, who I love and miss very much, were dealing (not very well) with all of this along with me and my wife leaving. By-the-way, I have an awesome wife. She helped me bath, feed, and take care of my Papaw like he was her own.

The date is May 8th, 2005 and I hear the very distinct sound of puppies whining from the kennel outside my bedroom window. I go outside and see 12 of the cutest Lab pups. Well that made for some good news to share at church that morning (it was Mother's day), and at work (Liberty County Sheriff's Office) later that day. Church was over and I was at work when I received a phone call from the nursing home. The nurse told me to call the family and get them to the home because Papaw was getting ready to leave us.

I rushed to the home and made the appropriate calls to family who met me there a short time later. We all took turns talking to Papaw and holding his hands as we waited or the inevitable. I was standing next to my grandfather when my father, who along with my mother had basiclly stopped talking to me, walked over to me and hugged me. I really needed that. I just began to sob on his shoulder like had done so many times before. My father is a very loving and affectionate man and I am thankful to the Lord for that.

After Daddy and I spent some time together we called Mama to Papaw's bedside and told her that she needed to give her daddy permission to go. She began to cry and said she couldn't do that. We assured her it was ok and that it was one of the final ways that she could show him uncondditional love by not being selfish and wanting to stay as he as. Mama agreed and gently leaned over her father, told him could go home, and just sobbed on his chest. It was a very sad, yet tender moment that I will always remember.

Well, Papaw did not leave us while we were all together. So everyone except my little brother (he's nearly a foot taller than I) Derek stayed with my for a while. We talked about our memories of going to the farm and visiting Gramma and Papaw. We laughed, cried, and felt blessed to be there each other at this very reverent time. Derek got tired and asked me if I minded if he went home. I told him to go and I would call if anything changed.

I stayed around for a few more minutes and decided to go back to work. My supervisor, Sgt. Darrel Elliott was very gracious and gave me as much time as I needed to take care of my grandfather. A short time later I received another call. The nurse told me to hurry because Papaw was slipping fast. I didn't even call anyone. I just went straight the there and hurried to his bedside. I sat there holding my grandfather's hand, stroking his hair, and quietly told him that it was ok. I told him that he could go home because I was going to take care of Gramma who was still in intensive care.

Then my grandfather took one deep breath, held it for a second, and let it go. I witnessed the man who had taught me the love of hunting, fishing, sitting in the swing and listening to the birds, and the love of a grandfather leave this cruel world and return home to his Father and mine. Other than the birth of my two daughters, witnessing the death of my grandfather was the most profound event of my life. I was honored to be with my Papaw as he went to see Jesus whom he had trusted as his savior. As it would happen, the day after Papaw died, the runt of Lady's litter, who we named Hope because she was very sick, died. If you believe all dogs go to heaven, then Papaw got his puppy.

If that were not enough on my plate, my grandmother took a turn for the worse and we had to place her in the same home Papaw was. It just so happened that she was in the same room as he was. Days went by and Gramma got worse. The day of our departure for Tennessee was fast approaching and it finally arrived. The night before we left I told my wife that wanted to go see Grama one last time because I knew it would be last time I would see her this side of Heaven. I stood by her bed and just looked at her. This little woman who I had always affectionately called shorty was slipping away. I leaned over, kissed her soft and tiny face, and told her she could go home to see Papaw. You see, I was the one who had to tell her Papaw had died.
I kissed her some more, cried some more, and walked out.

When I got home I grabbed my wife and cried some more. My family has always said that I am very strong man. That may be, but at that moment I felt like a weak little boy who had lost his way and didn't know what to do. But God is good and he has lifted my head so that I can keep on keepin' on.

I share this story with you first to tell you this; God will never leave you nor forsake you. Remember when you started learning how to ride a bike. Your daddy or maybe your mama would hold on the seat and the handlebars so wouldn't fall and they run along side of you. As time time went on they would gradually begin letting go of the bike so you could ride it on your own. But they never stopped running behind you to catch you if you fell. Then as you got more confident and could ride better on your own guess what they did. They got a bike and rode with you. That, is in my opinion, how the Lord deals with us. He shows us how, then gradually gives a little responsibility, and eventually lets us ride on our own. But He's always close by to help us if we need it.

The Bible tells us in Poverbs chapter 14 that "There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death". Prov 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Trust in God friends, and nothing else!

By-the-way, Lady recently gave birth on New Years Eve 2005 to a litter of ten girls. Three were still born but the rest are perfectly healthy. There 5 yellow, one black, and one chocolate. The chocolate is mine.

See ya round
Shannon